To a guy I dearly loved before…ZM
Teman
Apakah kau marah
Nama mu ku rakamkan di sini
Di tanah yang gersang
Lantaran seribu tahun kemarau
Memburu rintik-rintik air
Teman
Cubalah kau senyum
Tentunya di Bumi ini
Biar kemarau seribu tahun
Namun segar senantiasa…
ZM
Don’t know why lately I’ve been thinking about him… a lot. Do I miss him? The answer is obviously NO but I’m wondering his whereabouts since the last time I saw/spoken to him 22 years ago. This is a story of a person that I am very much in love with in the yesteryears…. ZM.
ZM was my senior in secondary days. I was in form four when I was selected to become school prefects. By tradition, before we are formally appointed as school prefects, we had to undergo a training program organized by the prefectorial board. It was during this training that I became acquainted with him.
Even though we are in the same school, I am not familiar with students from courses other than mine. Furthermore being an Islamic oriented school and staying in school hostel supervised by an Ustazah, mixing around with boys is prohibited. Subsequently on the 1st day of our training, ZM was introduced as one of the trainers. I could not recall how I first lay eyes on him but I acknowledge his personality somehow attracts me. He’s the quiet and reserve type of person and I seldom see him chatting with others unnecessarily.
Throughout the training, I hardly speak to ZM (as a matter of fact never at all). Reason being, I was introverted and I had no reason to launch any tête-à-tête. In the end, I became his secret admirer. In the course of being his secret admirer, I’ve heard rumor spreading that another colleague of mine, (U) was also interested in him. I was offended (I know I shouldn’t be but I can’t help the feeling of getting annoyed by this girl – am I being such a drama queen?) However, so as not to embarrass anyone (especially myself), I learn to control the emotions to myself. Obviously my reaction speaks otherwise. I became mute to (U).
The whole time I was pretending to be calm but deep inside I was going nuts. This feeling of affection for him inside me was unbearable but I couldn’t express my feeling. My best friend (L) was the only one who knew about this. Later on, it appears that U whom I believe to be his secret lover was actually intended for his best friend, R whom eventually took her as his “pet” sister. The anecdotes somehow take pressure off me.
The “secret admirer” thingy continues until we were officially became school prefects and I no longer have the opportunity to set eyes on ZM as often as I use to during the training session. But whenever there is a chance I would just glimpse at him as I passed by his classroom on my way to the lab or typing class. To some extent, I would occasionally peek into the prefect room just to catch sight of him. If by chance I bump into him, I can feel my heart throbbed. All this while I never thought if ZM ever notice it. Sometime I feel like a fool admiring a person and have no guts to tell the person your feeling because it’s an awkward thing to do.
One fluky Friday, I had received a message from ® (ZM’s close friend and school deputy head boy) that someone wants to meet me after school. I was curious and simultaneously anxious. Was it ZM? What on earth do he wants to meet me? Until school ended I could not figure out the reason of this “meet up”. I was hoping it was ZM but inquisitive as whether he had known (about my secretly admiring him) already? This is really embarrassing. To comfort myself I was thinking perhaps it’s just an ordinary meet up or maybe he had something to query. In fact the more I let this remain at the back of my mind, the more chaos it creates in there. So I might as well settle this once and for all.
Soon after school ended that day, I went to my dorm to pack my stuff since we are allowed to leave for home this weekend. I had to wait until the crowd at the bus stops (the place where the meeting was supposed to be held) to clear off so as to avoid being noticed (especially by my seniors). When I reach the bus stops there was no sign of him or R but another senior whom I knew gave a hint that he is waiting for me at CK. Instantly I understood the message so I took the next bus to CK. Knowing a place like CK, it’ would be difficult for me to guess who the person is unless I am absolutely sure that it was him. I loiter at the bus stop in front of the supermarket to get a glance of him or get noticed by him, either way. Finally I saw ZM walking towards me and gave me a decent smile.
He greeted me with a simple ‘hi’ and offered me to McD across the street but I decline. I suggested having the chat at ES instead. While browsing through the items in the shop, we break the eyes and started chatting. The conversation we had was more of an introductory session. Everything else does not matter afterward. We ended our “date” late afternoons. I was contented having a first date with him and most of all I no longer feel awkward to start a conversation with him.
Before long we became close friend (I know I was in love but it was too premature to judge his feelings towards me, perhaps he just want us to be platonic friends). Getting to know him better, I was even frantically head over heels. He’s attention and thoughtfulness amazes me. He’s a fine gentleman with great sense of caring for others.
Not long after, school ended, which would also mean he’ll no longer be a student in our school and I would not be seeing him that often anymore. Moreover during the school holidays I will be stuck at home. I hate the feeling to be away from him. Well maybe I was the only one who felt that way, what about him? He has by no means mentioned anything about his emotions.
After the SPM examination, the prefectorial board had organized a trip to S city. I was looking forward for the trip, as I’ve never been there and knowing I can spend a little time with ZM before the school breaks for holiday. I had to plead my parents to allow me to join the trip and I almost failed!
The trip was schedule to take off on Saturday night and to reach destination by Sunday morning. We were to gather at the assembly ground where the coach will be waiting. I was among the early birds to arrive. A few of the seniors were there but I did not catch a glimpse of ZM anywhere around. I went to wait for my other colleagues at the hostel compound. After the Magrib prayer, as we walk to the assembly ground, I spotted ZM with R.
Prior to the trip, we had had a date but he did not mention anything about us sitting together in the bus so I assume that he had planned to sit with R. I boarded the bus and L was sitting beside me. I was hoping that he’ll invite me to sit next to him but as he gets on the bus, I saw him sitting beside R. (I was thinking that perhaps he was trying not to expose our friendship to his other colleague). Surprisingly not long after the bus departed, R came over to my seat and gave a tip-off for me to move to the seat behind, where ZM was. L was quite annoyed with the arrangements but I promise her it was only temporary (Apparently it was a permanent one instead!)
It was during the journey that I eventually discover his true feelings towards me. He reveals that he had the same feeling as I am and all this while, he was too anxious to confess because he was skeptical I would give a positive response. I was speechless and blushing simultaneously. And for the first time in my teenage life I felt a guy grasping my hand tightly as if never want to let loose. I was stunned and I had this great feeling of happiness inside me.
I feel that the Journey was too short. I wish I had more time to spend with him and I’ve enjoyed every moment spent with him in S city. In between there is always R whom I had great respect off. At times I was jealous of R because of ZM concern over him. I wish I had known him earlier. I wish the trip never ended. There’s a lot things that I wished for. The trip to S city was one of the happiest moments in time that I ever had.
When it was time to bid farewell, I feel the pain of parting even though I know deep inside, I will see him again in due course. He had promise to write to me during the holiday and was hoping that we could meet up during the holiday.
The school holiday was dreary & bore to death especially when you’re infatuated. An agony of loneliness suddenly gripped me. Time was running slowly and I would just pass the time sleeping and daydreaming. Then came his letters that fulfills my days just by reading it over and over again. Those days, this is the only way to communicate, as both of us don’t have house phones.
Occasionally we fix a “date” at our usual place to meet up through our correspondences. When the days come I had to plan for a visit to my aunt’s place just to cover up from my parents (I can’t let my parents know I’m going on date or else they won’t allow me to leave). Our common dating spot would be BBP or SWP, PC or WC or sometimes we went to watch movies. Otherwise we’ll just hang arround at LG or TTW or even DB for that matter.
We dated a few time during the holidays. There was one occasion when he failed to turn up during one of the day because the mail had delayed. I waited unwearyingly until noon hoping that he’ll turn up but I ended with disappointments. Apparently when ZM received the mail a few days later, he was also disappointed. So he gave me his neighbor’s phone number for me to dial for fear that situation reoccurred. So whenever I wish to see him, I would just give him a buzz.
When school reopens and I was back at the hostel, we had to minimize our meetings due to my school obligation. With the stringent rules at the hostel, its very difficult to arranged for meet up. Life was back to books and study but I was able to get used to. He still sends me letters through my friend’s (N) address that is not staying in hostel. (I can’t use the hostel address because all letters will be scrutinized).
I remember ZM works part time while waiting for his results. Once the result was out, I was the first to congratulate him. His success motivates me and I’ve made a promise to myself that I will follow his footsteps. He told me of his plans to further his studies but he’s also concern of our relationship. (I could sense that he can't bear to be apart from me, likewise).
Apparently, this will also means that we will be separated (physically that is) if he decided to further his studies elsewhere (out of town). Suddenly I could feel the loneliness and boredom without him around. How am I to fill my days? Can I ever keep going without him? Or Am I going to lose him? All at once these questions keep mingling in my mind. I could not imagine the pain of loss that I had to go through. Will this long distance love affair survived? That is what I’m afraid of.
Eventually he was offered a place at PUO in (I) town. I cant remember exactly the day he left for (I) but I do remember on one occasion sending him to PR accompanied by a few of his friends (one of them known as Eddruze whom I clearly remembered because he had given me words of comfort while accompanying me to BSK after we had bid goodbye to ZM). When he had left for (I) I could sense the emptiness inside me.
Now with ZM in (I) and I’m all alone in KL, I continue with my studies and my daily mundane. ZM letter never fails to reach me almost every week. By now I’ve also moved out from hostel and stays with my aunt at WC just opposite the school. But soon I decided to travel from my house (PJ) to (S), as I don’t feel comfortable at my aunt’s place. I’m beginning to adhere to the fact that ZM is no longer by my sight but he’s always in my mind. Eventually, when time permits, ZM would still come down to KL to meet me.
During Aidilfitri celebration, he had invited me to his house to meet his parents and siblings. I went to pay a visit to his house at KPB and I had a warmth welcome. Prior to the visit, I was skeptical as to whether I should accept his invitation but he insisted. He was serious about introducing me to the family. And vice versa, I took him to meet my parents too (Even though I was afraid of my parents acceptance) but everything went well. My parents did not show any signs of disapproval.
While he was away, I was lonely and often spend time with a few of my colleague. We normally go out in groups together with another group of guys from other courses. I get acquainted to these boys thru my outsiders’ friends. Apparently, one o the guy (SH) had fallen for me. All the while when we get together, I had noticed he was trying to get close but I try to keep my distance from him. I admit that he was good looking being having an Arabic feature, its difficult to forbear my feelings. At the end of the day, I felt guilty. I don’t want to be unfaithful to ZM. That would be the last thing I would do. In fact, I am not a person who could love both guys at a time so I made my confession. I told SH of my relationship with ZM and the reason why I had to turn him down. He was frustrated indeed.
I sat for my SPM examinations with confident as I’ve put all efforts and hard work to achieve my aim. Immediately after my last paper, I pay a visit to the employment agency and register myself as a candidate. I don’t have to wait for long to fill a vacancy as receptionist at NCR in DH. This is the beginning of my working life.
In between period ZM did come by during his semester breaks and our relationship flourish as ever. We made lots of promises and even talk about the future and his expectation. He had made a promise that we’re going to be wed by six years time. But there are also ups and downs in our relationship. We had our differences and we argue sometimes. Well we’re just teenagers then adapting to be matured individuals and being a moody person as I am; I understand why sometimes argument couldn’t be avoided especially having a long distance love affair. By now I have discovered certain dissimilarity that we don’t see things the same way.
I have always acknowledged ZM as a cool guy with plenty of patience. Throughout our relation I’ve never encountered him getting off his nerves (or maybe during courting, such character do not emerge?) He’s a pious Muslim too and I observe that he’s very typical when it comes to sensitive issues (for instance he’s very concern about praying, dressing, etc)
Teman
Apakah kau marah
Nama mu ku rakamkan di sini
Di tanah yang gersang
Lantaran seribu tahun kemarau
Memburu rintik-rintik air
Teman
Cubalah kau senyum
Tentunya di Bumi ini
Biar kemarau seribu tahun
Namun segar senantiasa…
ZM
Don’t know why lately I’ve been thinking about him… a lot. Do I miss him? The answer is obviously NO but I’m wondering his whereabouts since the last time I saw/spoken to him 22 years ago. This is a story of a person that I am very much in love with in the yesteryears…. ZM.
ZM was my senior in secondary days. I was in form four when I was selected to become school prefects. By tradition, before we are formally appointed as school prefects, we had to undergo a training program organized by the prefectorial board. It was during this training that I became acquainted with him.
Even though we are in the same school, I am not familiar with students from courses other than mine. Furthermore being an Islamic oriented school and staying in school hostel supervised by an Ustazah, mixing around with boys is prohibited. Subsequently on the 1st day of our training, ZM was introduced as one of the trainers. I could not recall how I first lay eyes on him but I acknowledge his personality somehow attracts me. He’s the quiet and reserve type of person and I seldom see him chatting with others unnecessarily.
Throughout the training, I hardly speak to ZM (as a matter of fact never at all). Reason being, I was introverted and I had no reason to launch any tête-à-tête. In the end, I became his secret admirer. In the course of being his secret admirer, I’ve heard rumor spreading that another colleague of mine, (U) was also interested in him. I was offended (I know I shouldn’t be but I can’t help the feeling of getting annoyed by this girl – am I being such a drama queen?) However, so as not to embarrass anyone (especially myself), I learn to control the emotions to myself. Obviously my reaction speaks otherwise. I became mute to (U).
The whole time I was pretending to be calm but deep inside I was going nuts. This feeling of affection for him inside me was unbearable but I couldn’t express my feeling. My best friend (L) was the only one who knew about this. Later on, it appears that U whom I believe to be his secret lover was actually intended for his best friend, R whom eventually took her as his “pet” sister. The anecdotes somehow take pressure off me.
The “secret admirer” thingy continues until we were officially became school prefects and I no longer have the opportunity to set eyes on ZM as often as I use to during the training session. But whenever there is a chance I would just glimpse at him as I passed by his classroom on my way to the lab or typing class. To some extent, I would occasionally peek into the prefect room just to catch sight of him. If by chance I bump into him, I can feel my heart throbbed. All this while I never thought if ZM ever notice it. Sometime I feel like a fool admiring a person and have no guts to tell the person your feeling because it’s an awkward thing to do.
One fluky Friday, I had received a message from ® (ZM’s close friend and school deputy head boy) that someone wants to meet me after school. I was curious and simultaneously anxious. Was it ZM? What on earth do he wants to meet me? Until school ended I could not figure out the reason of this “meet up”. I was hoping it was ZM but inquisitive as whether he had known (about my secretly admiring him) already? This is really embarrassing. To comfort myself I was thinking perhaps it’s just an ordinary meet up or maybe he had something to query. In fact the more I let this remain at the back of my mind, the more chaos it creates in there. So I might as well settle this once and for all.
Soon after school ended that day, I went to my dorm to pack my stuff since we are allowed to leave for home this weekend. I had to wait until the crowd at the bus stops (the place where the meeting was supposed to be held) to clear off so as to avoid being noticed (especially by my seniors). When I reach the bus stops there was no sign of him or R but another senior whom I knew gave a hint that he is waiting for me at CK. Instantly I understood the message so I took the next bus to CK. Knowing a place like CK, it’ would be difficult for me to guess who the person is unless I am absolutely sure that it was him. I loiter at the bus stop in front of the supermarket to get a glance of him or get noticed by him, either way. Finally I saw ZM walking towards me and gave me a decent smile.
He greeted me with a simple ‘hi’ and offered me to McD across the street but I decline. I suggested having the chat at ES instead. While browsing through the items in the shop, we break the eyes and started chatting. The conversation we had was more of an introductory session. Everything else does not matter afterward. We ended our “date” late afternoons. I was contented having a first date with him and most of all I no longer feel awkward to start a conversation with him.
Before long we became close friend (I know I was in love but it was too premature to judge his feelings towards me, perhaps he just want us to be platonic friends). Getting to know him better, I was even frantically head over heels. He’s attention and thoughtfulness amazes me. He’s a fine gentleman with great sense of caring for others.
Not long after, school ended, which would also mean he’ll no longer be a student in our school and I would not be seeing him that often anymore. Moreover during the school holidays I will be stuck at home. I hate the feeling to be away from him. Well maybe I was the only one who felt that way, what about him? He has by no means mentioned anything about his emotions.
After the SPM examination, the prefectorial board had organized a trip to S city. I was looking forward for the trip, as I’ve never been there and knowing I can spend a little time with ZM before the school breaks for holiday. I had to plead my parents to allow me to join the trip and I almost failed!
The trip was schedule to take off on Saturday night and to reach destination by Sunday morning. We were to gather at the assembly ground where the coach will be waiting. I was among the early birds to arrive. A few of the seniors were there but I did not catch a glimpse of ZM anywhere around. I went to wait for my other colleagues at the hostel compound. After the Magrib prayer, as we walk to the assembly ground, I spotted ZM with R.
Prior to the trip, we had had a date but he did not mention anything about us sitting together in the bus so I assume that he had planned to sit with R. I boarded the bus and L was sitting beside me. I was hoping that he’ll invite me to sit next to him but as he gets on the bus, I saw him sitting beside R. (I was thinking that perhaps he was trying not to expose our friendship to his other colleague). Surprisingly not long after the bus departed, R came over to my seat and gave a tip-off for me to move to the seat behind, where ZM was. L was quite annoyed with the arrangements but I promise her it was only temporary (Apparently it was a permanent one instead!)
It was during the journey that I eventually discover his true feelings towards me. He reveals that he had the same feeling as I am and all this while, he was too anxious to confess because he was skeptical I would give a positive response. I was speechless and blushing simultaneously. And for the first time in my teenage life I felt a guy grasping my hand tightly as if never want to let loose. I was stunned and I had this great feeling of happiness inside me.
I feel that the Journey was too short. I wish I had more time to spend with him and I’ve enjoyed every moment spent with him in S city. In between there is always R whom I had great respect off. At times I was jealous of R because of ZM concern over him. I wish I had known him earlier. I wish the trip never ended. There’s a lot things that I wished for. The trip to S city was one of the happiest moments in time that I ever had.
When it was time to bid farewell, I feel the pain of parting even though I know deep inside, I will see him again in due course. He had promise to write to me during the holiday and was hoping that we could meet up during the holiday.
The school holiday was dreary & bore to death especially when you’re infatuated. An agony of loneliness suddenly gripped me. Time was running slowly and I would just pass the time sleeping and daydreaming. Then came his letters that fulfills my days just by reading it over and over again. Those days, this is the only way to communicate, as both of us don’t have house phones.
Occasionally we fix a “date” at our usual place to meet up through our correspondences. When the days come I had to plan for a visit to my aunt’s place just to cover up from my parents (I can’t let my parents know I’m going on date or else they won’t allow me to leave). Our common dating spot would be BBP or SWP, PC or WC or sometimes we went to watch movies. Otherwise we’ll just hang arround at LG or TTW or even DB for that matter.
We dated a few time during the holidays. There was one occasion when he failed to turn up during one of the day because the mail had delayed. I waited unwearyingly until noon hoping that he’ll turn up but I ended with disappointments. Apparently when ZM received the mail a few days later, he was also disappointed. So he gave me his neighbor’s phone number for me to dial for fear that situation reoccurred. So whenever I wish to see him, I would just give him a buzz.
When school reopens and I was back at the hostel, we had to minimize our meetings due to my school obligation. With the stringent rules at the hostel, its very difficult to arranged for meet up. Life was back to books and study but I was able to get used to. He still sends me letters through my friend’s (N) address that is not staying in hostel. (I can’t use the hostel address because all letters will be scrutinized).
I remember ZM works part time while waiting for his results. Once the result was out, I was the first to congratulate him. His success motivates me and I’ve made a promise to myself that I will follow his footsteps. He told me of his plans to further his studies but he’s also concern of our relationship. (I could sense that he can't bear to be apart from me, likewise).
Apparently, this will also means that we will be separated (physically that is) if he decided to further his studies elsewhere (out of town). Suddenly I could feel the loneliness and boredom without him around. How am I to fill my days? Can I ever keep going without him? Or Am I going to lose him? All at once these questions keep mingling in my mind. I could not imagine the pain of loss that I had to go through. Will this long distance love affair survived? That is what I’m afraid of.
Eventually he was offered a place at PUO in (I) town. I cant remember exactly the day he left for (I) but I do remember on one occasion sending him to PR accompanied by a few of his friends (one of them known as Eddruze whom I clearly remembered because he had given me words of comfort while accompanying me to BSK after we had bid goodbye to ZM). When he had left for (I) I could sense the emptiness inside me.
Now with ZM in (I) and I’m all alone in KL, I continue with my studies and my daily mundane. ZM letter never fails to reach me almost every week. By now I’ve also moved out from hostel and stays with my aunt at WC just opposite the school. But soon I decided to travel from my house (PJ) to (S), as I don’t feel comfortable at my aunt’s place. I’m beginning to adhere to the fact that ZM is no longer by my sight but he’s always in my mind. Eventually, when time permits, ZM would still come down to KL to meet me.
During Aidilfitri celebration, he had invited me to his house to meet his parents and siblings. I went to pay a visit to his house at KPB and I had a warmth welcome. Prior to the visit, I was skeptical as to whether I should accept his invitation but he insisted. He was serious about introducing me to the family. And vice versa, I took him to meet my parents too (Even though I was afraid of my parents acceptance) but everything went well. My parents did not show any signs of disapproval.
While he was away, I was lonely and often spend time with a few of my colleague. We normally go out in groups together with another group of guys from other courses. I get acquainted to these boys thru my outsiders’ friends. Apparently, one o the guy (SH) had fallen for me. All the while when we get together, I had noticed he was trying to get close but I try to keep my distance from him. I admit that he was good looking being having an Arabic feature, its difficult to forbear my feelings. At the end of the day, I felt guilty. I don’t want to be unfaithful to ZM. That would be the last thing I would do. In fact, I am not a person who could love both guys at a time so I made my confession. I told SH of my relationship with ZM and the reason why I had to turn him down. He was frustrated indeed.
I sat for my SPM examinations with confident as I’ve put all efforts and hard work to achieve my aim. Immediately after my last paper, I pay a visit to the employment agency and register myself as a candidate. I don’t have to wait for long to fill a vacancy as receptionist at NCR in DH. This is the beginning of my working life.
In between period ZM did come by during his semester breaks and our relationship flourish as ever. We made lots of promises and even talk about the future and his expectation. He had made a promise that we’re going to be wed by six years time. But there are also ups and downs in our relationship. We had our differences and we argue sometimes. Well we’re just teenagers then adapting to be matured individuals and being a moody person as I am; I understand why sometimes argument couldn’t be avoided especially having a long distance love affair. By now I have discovered certain dissimilarity that we don’t see things the same way.
I have always acknowledged ZM as a cool guy with plenty of patience. Throughout our relation I’ve never encountered him getting off his nerves (or maybe during courting, such character do not emerge?) He’s a pious Muslim too and I observe that he’s very typical when it comes to sensitive issues (for instance he’s very concern about praying, dressing, etc)
Whereas, myself conversely, is a very argumentative and stubborn person. I’m also moody at times and very impatience. I’m neither a good muslim too. (When I left hostel, I hardly pray five times a day). But I’ve never portray my true self when I was with ZM. I try to be someone that ZM wants me to be. Jealousy is also a prime weakness.
I recollect during one of our dates, he showed me a letter that was sent by one of his acquaintance that was well written with beautiful poems. I do not understand the significance of him showing me the letter but obviously his intentions are clear. He’s being transparent but I could not resist from being offended. I was definitely envious and suspicious except I do not reveal my emotions. I reserve my comments so as not hurt and offend him given that he was just being honest. The incident had somehow cautious me of the possibility I might stumble upon.
When results were announced, I had anticipated my scores. ZM was not there to celebrate my accomplishment (he was still in (I)). I convey the message via mail on the same day instead. I received his acknowledgement a few days later. I tender my resignation with NCR at the end of the month seeing that I have decided to further my studies. On the interval, fortunately I was offered a job at BOA with hefty remuneration (for a teller, I can say that was quite a huge sum in the 80’s) and I accepted the offer.
The work was acceptable and I enjoyed it. I become acquainted with a new bunch of great people in the office. ZM was still busy with his studies but regularly call up at the office. Not long after, he was back in KL for his practical training.
I was excited when I received an offer to PUO (where ZM is studying) but it was not for long before my parents had requested me turn down the offer as they could not afford to pay my fees. I was disappointed and frustrated. I broke down. All that I have worked for fall to pieces
At this juncture, whatever decisions I made were my sacrifice to my parents. Ever since I started working, I have at least lessened their burden with my modest contribution. I felt miserable and locked myself crying for the whole weekend. I don’t want to put the blame on my parents. I shouldn’t be. I didn’t talk about the matter to ZM either. I do not want to burden him with my dilemma. I was frustrated, furious and all kinds of negative emotions that I had inside and I kept it to myself.
But I learned to let go. I had to handle the situation wisely. No point of putting blame on anyone. It’s fated. Perhaps God knows what’s best for me at that point in time. After all, I have a stable job and I can further my studies later on so to speak. I told ZM that I have decline the offer due to unforeseen circumstances and I do not wish to elaborate further. He was as calm as ever but I could sense that he notice my misery.
After the episode, I became vulnerable. I continue to work as usual but I could feel the emptiness. Being an ambitious teenager, I feel that everything that I’ve struggled for had vanished unexpectedly. I have not planned any options. From this point forward, I had slowdown my closeness with ZM. I know I’m being selfish but I was distraught. I just need sometime to be alone.
I pretend to be happy when I’m not. I’ve started hanging around with my office mates and occupied myself with work loads and stayed back until late hours. I avoid his calls and our relationship deteriorates. I could feel his sorrow but I was no longer keen on the relationship as the day passes by. I was disturb and confuse.
One day he had waited for me outside the office, as he can’t get hold of me. He deserves an explanation, which I could not justify. I could see the sadness in his eyes and makes me even guiltier. I did not turn him down and we had a good chat. That was the last time I ever sees him.
Later I received ZM’s one last call saying he’s given up on me. He’s not going to bother me anymore as I wish and bid his goodbye. It was a heartbreaking moment for me but I know that was the best thing to do. I don’t want him to suffer a lot more at the end of the day. Perhaps he will find someone who is much better than I am. He’s too good for me. That’s the end of our love story.
In reality, it was not because I was unable to pursue my studies; I had to sacrifice our relationship. There’s a lot more about me that was unknown to ZM. He could only sees me physically as a happy and outgoing person but internally, I am a different person altogether. I had portrayed two different personalities and the other side of me is unrevealed. I have tried my best to be the person that he wants me to be but I am what I am. No one can change that. I suppose ZM had realized this earlier but we were too much in love to notice our distinction.
I want to apologies to ZM for whatever wrong doing that I have caused him. The past two years of relationship was the happiest moment that I treasured. I could still remember even after twenty-two years of my life. My second daughter carries the name that he had choose if we ever had children.
May God have blessed your life all these years as he had blessed mine.
EPILOG CINTA DARI BROMLEY
Kau tersenyum manja
Menyatakan hasrat dihatimu
Kau kata kau cinta
Cinta pertama kepadaku
Ku hampir tergoda
Bergelora dalam kalbu
Kau bukan untuk ku
Kau dan aku tak mungkin berpadu
Nun disana beribu batu
Kau kutinggalkan bersama hatimu
Nun disana kau meratap pilu
Suatu masa nanti kau akan mengerti
Apa maksudku
Kini kau menanti
Harapanmu abadi terhadapku
Kau coretkan lagi
Rahsia hatimu kepadaku
Ku doakan dikau bertemu seorang
Teman sejati
Yang satu aliran satu kepercayaan
Aduhai kasih....
